advanced warning of potential WLH weirdness

Hello. We’re going to be doing some technical things under the hood of WLH tonight (24th November) which means if you experience anything weird on the site that is why. Probably.

Either way, we’d appreciate it if you didn’t post any comments on WLH until normal service resumes, as they might get lost in the ether and that would make us sad, as we love your comments almost as much as we love Hollyoaks. Though definitely not as much as we love Brendan.

Will let you know when we’re back in business

love,

WLH xxxx

UPDATE (25th November am):

woo! we’re back! please comment away!

p.s last night we dreamt that we stroked Brendan’s moustache. It was bristley, like a lion’s whiskers.

UPDATE (26th November pm)

Yet more techy stuff, so please once more hold off on commenting until further notice. And, yes, Flash81, we are indeed a massive perv. AND PROUD! x ps if you do fancy having your say in the meantime drop us a tweet @welovehollyoaks

who’s the baddest dad of them all?

Following the success of last week’s Brendan v Warren poll we thought we’d do another one, cos everyone likes a poll don’t they?

So this week we thought we’d take a look at the two rather questionable patriarchs who have joined the village in recent months, both seemingly committed to showing us how not to raise children.

We are of course talking about Phil and Carl. The former sets up families like they’re branches of Costa Coffee and was gloriously unmoved when his knocked up 12 year old daughter asked him not to abandon her. The latter has an unhealthy fixation on his daughters and can be blamed for at least 80% of  Hollyoaks Later 2010.

We’re going to leave the dad of the O’Connor family out of this as all he does is stand around being ineffectual.

Due to some techy things going on we’ve temporarily closed this poll. Come back on Sunday 28th when we’ll (hopefully) be back up and running and vote then!

BTM: explained

A fair few folk have been asking us what a BTMer is. So here it is!

A BTMer is someone who can steer any given conversation, nomatter what the topic, back to being about them – i.e “Back To Me”

par example:  if you are training for the London Marathon, a BTMer will manage to turn the conversation into how your training makes them feel (real life example – you know who you are).

Such labelling not only helps to identify a BTMer in your midst, but can also be a useful signpost to alert others that you yourself plan to BTM, i.e “Thanks for telling me about your ballooning accident, but – BTM – OMG, I spotted Alexa Chung in Topshop the other day”

Good BTMing requires skill, as it requires the BTMer to BTM without sullying the good name of BTMing and, well, not piss everyone right off.

A great spectator sport is to get two massive BTMers in conversation with each other and see who wins. Hours of fun.

In terms of the Hollyverse, the most prolific Hollyoaks BTMer was of course the late Steph, who could turn a conversation about the Irish banking crisis into a discussion about her being a widow/surrogate parent/epileptic/dancer/smoothie maker/cancer sufferer/whatever with breathtaking ease.

Other Hollyoaks BTMers include Jem, Heidi, Lyndsey, Gilly, Frankie and each and every McQueen. Sarah was quite extraordinary at it.

As a historical footnote regarding how the BTM came into our lives – BTM – credit goes to an excellent woman who is such a majestic and skillfull BTMer that the term BTM was actually coined for her. That her name actually begins with M means that even the term itself could be seen as a reference to her, the ultimate BTM!

We suggest you start incorporating the BTM into your lives. Once you start you can’t stop.

brendan watch: special edition

OHGOD. Watching Hollyoaks last week made us realise that we LITERALLY LOVE EVERY SCENE THAT BRENDAN IS IN. No jokes – we could watch him for hours, like a Turner-like landscape or Jaws 4.

Anyway, in fairness to other Hollyoaks characters and those crazy fools who are not as obsessed with Brendan as we are, we thought we would start pouring all of our Brendan devotion into self-contained, Brendan-centric posts. Undiluted Brendan, if you will.

So without further ado, here’s our round up of last week’s Brendanisms:

I am Jack’s total fecking horror. He reacts none too kindly to Cheryl inviting Macca to stay. Note the majestic switch from leer to grimace:

Speaking of Cheryl, she gave us the opportunity to see the softer side of Brendan as he comforted her in the hospital and refrained from violent moustachioed rage when she later asked him whether he was gay. See, just because he occasionally hospitalises her doesn’t mean he isn’t a good brother.

Imagine: you wake up to find Brendan sleep watching you. Do you shriek? Swoon? Or just roll over like Macca?:

Sadface Brendan as he is ditched by Ste in favour of rebranded chav Rae (STE – ARE YOU MAD?? etc):

Excellent close talking:

The hair horn is back (just behind his ear). Perhaps it only appears when he is threatening someone?:

Why Brendan, what big hands you have. All the better to point at you with, my dear:

There was yet another amazing Brendan/Amy scene, this time as he menaced her in hospital, soundtracked by some bizarre jaunty-yet-mournful Oirish music. It was notable for two things:

1. You know what we’ve always wanted to know? How Brendan would approach basic hospital administrative tasks. So it is a good thing then that he demonstrated his skill for EVIL FOLDER READING. Like a sinister Doctor Kildare, he read Amy‘s medical notes, “Oi was worried moiself,” he says, of her condition, “A leetle bit.”:

2. This bit: “Anyhoo, oi’ll see ya around. Or not.” *laughs loudly. The laughter abruptly stops. He grimaces at Amy* “It’s just… okay…okay…” *after another point, he nods then exits scene*:

Despite a punctured lung and three cracked ribs Macca still wants Brendan back. Brendan’s look of WTF? muchly mirrored our own:

We’d love to know how much time screentime Brendan spends drinking hot beverages:

GRAAAA! Vintage Brendan as he manhandles Ste:

This Brendan quote:

“Those little babies…Oi feel seek, physically seek thinkin about what coulda happened te them” he reacts with, not entirely convincing, horror at the danger that befell Leah and Lucas.

“OI AINT QUEER” Thoroughly angered by Macca (and who wouldn’t be), Brendan unleashes the ultimate weapon in his arsenal: the forehead thrust. There is no coming back from this:

And finally, our fave Brendan bit of the week. There are certain things you expect in a scene where a villainous type is doing a spot of menacing: sinister music, perhaps, or ominous lighting. Maybe a bit of close talking and/or nose grabbing. Occasionally even a balloon.

What you do not expect, however, is toast.

But, proving yet again that he is able to make the most innocent of items seem threatening, Brendan incorporated this breakfast favourite into his morning menacing of Macca:

A nutritious, healthy start to the day AND a potent weapon for intimidation and sexual mind games?  We’ll never eat toast in the same way again.

And we’re spent.

Last week’s non-Brendan related news will be posted soon.

warren or brendan: you deciiiide

It’s a question that could divide nations (and is currently a hot topic at WLH towers):  Brendan or Warren – who is hotter?

Sorry if its all a bit Kramer Vs Kramer but you have to choose.

Due to some techy things going on we’ve temporarily closed this poll. Come back on Sunday 28th when we’ll (hopefully) be back up and running and vote then!

inferno week: the finale

As Boys II Men once lamented: and so we’ve come to the end of the road.

It’s taken us fecking ages  to do this write up of the final day of Inferno week – we are blaming this on the too much red wine we drank on Friday. It broke us. Anyhoo, day 4 left us feeling a bit vexed, would the finale be any better?

“oi’m not a killer, Steven”

HOORAY we ended the week with a much needed Stendan-centric episode. In addition to more Brendanisms (see below), we discovered that, like a moustachioed onion, there are so many more layers to Brendan – sensitive, huggy, twitchy in hospitals,  and generally less grabby. In was understandable that Ste was suspicious, particularly when he learnt of Brendan’s pre-fire threats to Amy. Indeed, as they argued above her, Amy was forced from her coma by the sheer weight of the sexual tension in the room. Accusing Brendan of being the firestarter, Ste was soon convinced otherwise via some face stroking, forehead-to-forehead contact and close moustache proximity.

Brendan, if we accuse you of some horrific crime can you stroke our face too?

return of the Mac(ca)

Rather than being trussed up in a sex dungeon as we previously thought,  young Macca is now a patient at Dee Valley Hospital courtesy of Brendan, wearing what is the WORST DRESSING GOWN IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION. Anyway, we couldn’t help but being annoyed when he shit stirred between Steand Brendan, even if he did speak the truth. Brendan is SO out of your league, dude. Move on.

brendan watch

Our regular update of all things Brendan:

“How did you get in here?” shrieked Rae, covering her unmentionables as Brendan burst in on a post coitus her and Ste. How indeed, but we have already observed his powers of teleportation and/or time travel. Our first question would have been “How did you know where we are?” He has either inserted some kind of tracking device on Ste, or he has all-seeing Eye of Sauron type powers. Either are likely really. Plus, is that a lightsabre we spy in Ste’s bedroom?

The return of Brendan‘s devil horn hair. Which also makes him look like he has been attacked by a bird:

Sinister door opening:

Fronting up to annoying hobbits. Note how despite his height advantage the forehead still reaches Macca before the rest of him:

The vein is back!:

Belligerent littering:

Beautiful, pensive close up. Can almost feel the bristles of his tash:

Up to no good Brendan, complete with over the shoulder up to no good nose twitch:

Swoon.

WTF? personality change alert:

Rae’s rebranding from snarling, Kappa attired chav into wearer of figure hugging knitwear and big Nadine Coyle hair.

The cause of this appears to be her ‘romance’ with Ste, which, as the strategically placed open condom wrappers attest, has now gone shagular. “I love ‘im!” she yelped at Macca later, apparently oblivious to the fact that their relationship thus far has consisted of Ste standing her up so he can go pashing with Brendan. Given that Newt had to mug her nan and participate in the underwhelming Rae-is-cursed storyline in order to win her heart, Rae has definitely lowered her standards.

fox off

Marketeers take note, this week Hollyoaks witnessed the most amazing example of brand extension ever as Warren followed up his dead fox calling card with a ‘foxed up’ balloon. At once both menacing and crap, we can only wonder in awe as to what he will come up with next. The head of Basil Brush in someone’s bed? Corporate sponsorship by Foxy Bingo? The possibilities are endless.

Plus, what gives with the totally random scene with Warren and Theresa? “Somebody knows what happened and you are the only one who saw?” Well, whatever the machinations of Warren‘s return it was inevitable that a McQueen would be involved somehow. They get everywhere, like earwigs in a 1970s caravan.

Loved the way Warren exited with a “Shhhh”. That is clearly now his ‘thing’. That, and assaulting women obviously, his method of communicating with them apparently now restricted to sneaking-up-behind-them-in-a-darkened-place-and-covering-their-mouths-whilst-wearing-serial-killer-gloves.

in other inferno week news

Lucky us, we got to see the first of Steph‘s two beyond the grave doovdes. “Tom, look after everyone” she instructed the orphan, (we are assuming unintentionally) wishing doom on her family. The second video is set to premiere at her funeral. We are predicting it will feature her singing. She’s got form afterall, having previously yowled at the funerals of both Max and Sarah. Expect tears (of laughter) all round.

Yet more boring angry chavness from Mr Roach. Gilly, take your Liam Gallagher tribute act and do one. At least Darren stood up to him. Hurrah.

“How did you know I’d be here?” asks Gilly, when Darren finds him The Dog. Gilly seems unaware that there a limited number places in Hollyoaks village that offer an appropriate setting for brooding over the untimely death of your wife: by the fountain, the  standing moodily spot outside The Dog and of course The Dog itself (Chez Chez and the SU Bar lack the required gravitas).

and finally…

We had been promised “a week that will change Hollyoaks forever” and while it certainly did seem to shape up as a spectacular annual cull Inferno Week has left us feeling more than a little starved of bloodshed.

There was only ONE death and let’s face it, Steph was knock knock knocking on heaven’s door anyway. While Amy and Malachy could yet succumb to their Unexplained Explosion Injuries, this wouldn’t be the fiery deaths we’d been expecting. Indeed we suspect Malachy would be dying to simply save himself from the horror of having a child with Mercy. And a trick was missed by not butchering Amber and Finn.

A cull it was not.

Something else that occured to us: where the hell was Taylor? He featured in both the Inferno Week poster and trailers but he was nowhere to be seen in the actual show – nor was his scary faced dad, despite being an uber suspect for starting the fire.

As for changing Hollyoaks forever, we’re not too sure how. Steph‘s death will obvs have a brief impact. Until she is forgotten about (unless you are Max, your death is rarely mentioned by your family. See Tina McQueen, Mum Valentine, Sarah, Beth etc). By the looks of it Tony is going to be suspected of insurance job arsony, but whenever a crime goes down, be it child disappearance or underage McQueen shagging, the chances are the Hutch will get arrested for it at somepoint. Other than that, the biggest affect we can see is  Il Gnosh no longer being an option for reasonably priced dining solutions -and then there’s always Relish.

Still, though, what a week. Bravo Hollyoaks, we love you.

Catch up on:

Inferno Week: day 1

Inferno Week: day 2

Inferno Week: day 3

Inferno Week: day 4

inferno week: day 4

Okay we must confess that when Tom cried we LOLd for about five minutes*. Yes, we have a lump of coal where our heart should be. Yes, we are going straight to hell. But OMG wasn’t it funny?

Despite the tears though, Tom‘s reaction to Steph’s death was bordering on sanguine, “She’s wi Max” he chirped. Indeed, he had every right to look so pleased with himself – his 100% guardian:death record is intact. And now he seems to have his beady little eyes on Darren – GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU BITCH!

The rest of the episode was, unfortunately, a bit gash. Too much Gilly scowling and doing his angry chav thing, which we know from past experience is no fun at all. PLUS, as both Mal and Amy are still alive could it be that Steph is the only fatality of Inferno Week? If so, we will feel VERY shortchanged.

other inferno week news

Darren wears a fetching cardy.

Malachy wants his future child named Eamonn after his dad. We can’t think of anything better than naming a child after an alcoholic vagrant who carked it in the carpark of The Dog and was later an integral cog in the Jack‘s faked death scheme.

We decide we rather love Leanne. Her reaction when Lee told her of Amy’s hospitalised condition (“Don’t come crawling back to me if she dies!”) was priceless. We also like how she’s ready for a scrap to keep her man. With those little rodent teeth she could do some damage.

Are we still considering her a firestarter suspect? Hmm starting to look unlikely. There’s something a bit too Alan Bennett about her. That said, we would LOVE it if it turned out to be her. Looking far more guilty though, are Mandy and very definitely Dom, who seemed on the verge of fessing up to Tony. Sigh. Dom – either admit you did it or do one, we’re sick of your weeping and your Chuckle Brothers face.

Bad day for Cheryl as she learns of Steph‘s fate. Continuing from yesterday’s soap opera acting 101, she demonstrates that her reaction-to-tragedy is an Eva Peron fist in the air. We also discover that her ringtone is C’est la vie.

No Stendan. FFS.

The village now a crime scene, it is overrun with emergency service professionals including bald, weeping fireman and CSI Chester types taking swabs from Il Gnosh:

So, not happy with Day 4. Let’s hope the finale offers more deaths, answers and Brendan.

 

*the same thing happened when Jim Robinson cried after Todd died. Our mam sent us out of the room and told us not to return until we could behave with more decorum. Return we did not.

inferno week: day 3

“It’s too ‘orrible for words” cooed Heidi, about today’s fiery carnage. We disagree, there are LOTS of words for it – and here they are:

toast

The whole purpose of Inferno Week was to carry out an annual cull and today it claimed its first scalp as we bid adieu to Stephanie Roach nee Cunningham nee De La Dean. Not much of a surprise, given her terminal status and her centre stage presence on the spectacular marketing campaign, it was a much darker exit than we expected. Not quite the hero’s death we predicted yesterday (though props to her for singlehandedly saving Ste‘s entire family while Gilly whimpered from the sidelines – more on him in a min), she instead faced that age old conundrum: do you burn to death in a living room or succumb to a slow painful demise by cancer?

Steph chose to Guy Fawkes.

Yep, no goodbyes for her family, or arrangements for who will now care for her dependant Tom.  Screw you all! Right until the end, Steph was the ultimate BTMer, but we had to admire how she wasn’t going to let a disease upstage her.

As she stayed with the flames and the screen faded to bright, burning white it reminded us a little bit of Ripley’s death by lava in Alien 3, though Steph had more hair.

An unusual way to go. We liked it.

I can be your hero baby

So, hats of to Gilbert Roach. His dying wife  selflessly ran into a burning building to save a family and the best he could do wail from a ladder.

When he did eventually try to run in after her he was conveniently stopped by a fireman.  “I tried to save ‘er, I swear” he sobbed. Really, Gilly? DID YOU?

soap opera acting 101

The inferno gave Hollyoaksers a chance to demonstrate their best reacting-to-tragedy faces:

Catatonic. (but v pretty eyes in HD):

Rhys channels Lee Remick in The Omen:

Swoon, a tearful Darren. *instantly gets lump in throat*

Dr Drake Ramoray fishhook-the-eyebrow-and-I-like-it evil doer face:

Open mouthed fish wife:

And finally, as Frankie learned of her beloved daughter’s death, we bet she was regretting putting up that ironic banner (‘Steph – always a star’):

oh, Brendan

Other than humiliating Dom on Monday, our beloved-apart-from-Darren is having a quiet week thus far. Surprisingly, Ste is giving him the run around, meaning that Brendan has been left to leave starting-to-sound-quite-clingy messages on his voicemail and treat India to night out at The Dog. That said, after a suprisingly bold Ste told Brendan to leave Amy alone, we got to see some vintage Brady, complete with some brand new Brendanisms:

Leaving threatening voicemails for Amy with flames burning ominously in the background (we still don’t think he did it):

KMT*. Plus what a fine chin he has:

Grimacing and knuckle cracking:

We can’t remember what was going on here, we just liked it:

(*T=Tash)

in other inferno week news

random brand news channel Chester 1 is first on the scene to report Hollyoaks village carnage.

A glutton for punishment, Dom once again begged Warren for money, who once again refused and ONCE AGAIN recommended that Dom torch Il Gnosh. This scene, pretty much identical to that of yesterday, took place in the unidentified wasteground where Warren seems to be spending all of his time (when he isn’t creeping round the village ‘shhh’ing people that is). Where does he stay at night? Where does he eat? Questions we need answers to. We suspect he is doing a Raoul Moat and living in Chester’s storm drains.

We are treated to a way cool re-ee-wind montage that takes us from post to pre explosion with a helpful summary of all of the potential firestarters (Warren, Dom, Mandy, Brendan, Tony and Phil) along the way. This gave us a chance to relive Brendan‘s Amy-sniffing menacing (yay) and Mandy‘s disturbing sex face (not so yay)

BTW since when has there been a spiral staircase in Il Gnosh leading directly into Tony‘s living room???

so, one down how many more to go?

Amy wasn’t looking too chipper (though not outright dead as suggested in a spoiler) and Mal seems to be in some sort of badger coma, so either could be goners. Sadly, despite our wishes to the contrary, unnerving child-woman Amber and hobbity Finn both survived. Expect underage pregnancy dramas to rumble on well into 2011 (our prediction: crazy empty wombed Diane steals the baby for herself).

Looking forward to day 4? Hells yeah!

inferno week: day 2

YEAY! We’re still in flashback, pre-explosion zone…

superfertility strikes again

So, in the least surprising plot development ever (and one that we predicted weeks ago), underage shaggers Amber and Finn discovered they are going to be parents. Cue an icky scene where Finn suggested getting a paper round to support them and Amber accused hobbit boy of statutory rape. Can we just say how much we dislike Amber? There is something eerie about her, like she is an adult trapped in a child’s body. We hope she dies.

Which brings us to the happy news that she just might! As both kids scrambled up onto the roof to escape the inferno, Amber lost her grip and fell, leaving her hanging from the guttering like a whiney bat .

Whilst dialling 999 would have been helpful, Tony and Gabby reacted to the catastrophe unfolding before them with a mixture of anguished hand clasping and pointing:

Of course, the most the terrifying moment of the whole episode was when 12 year old Amber briefly metamorphisised into a haggard adult woman:

The horror.

domolished

After being thoroughly bitchslapped by Brendan in yesterday’s episode, Dom continued on his tour of humiliating encounters with gangsters by meeting Warren for a potential  loan. Dom, a word of advice: accepting money from a supposedly dead crim is not the best business decision. Nevertheless, he persevered in what turned out to be a genuinely odd scene where Warren indulged in some half arsed psychoanalysis (“Is this about saving a business, or you trying to prove yourself to your brother?”) and Dom wept.

Is it just us, or are Warren’s leering whispery threats  a bit 2009? We like our villains to be more tactile (read: face grabby) and hairier these days. Also, did we hear right when Warren said he’d lost his memory? Ah yes, that old chestnut.

Anyhoo, as it turned out Warren wasn’t going to lend the money to Dom (Mandy’s bizarre sex face must have done the trick and convinced him otherwise) but he did suggest that Dom torch Il Gnosh.

Now, Dom as a firestarter suspect:

Case for: a botched insurance job that accidentally kills half the village has Dom’s name written all over it.

Case against: he hasn’t done anything interesting since 2008, so why start now?

some other potential firestarters:

In addition to Dom and the other suspects we mentioned last week, we’ve spied some more:

Mandy: shiftier than a badger’s uncle, she is out to get Tony and heard him yelling about four arson-friendly gas cylinders lying about in Il Gnosh. Hell hath no fury like a harbinger scorned, but would she go that far? Let’s face it, she’s a bit of a wet blanket isn’t she? Then again, she hasn’t been added to the opening sequence like Warren, suggesting her stay in the village could be a short one. Could she be destined for jail? Or a life on the run?

Leanne: Lee’s jilted stoat faced bride did not take to kindly to being dumped for Amy. Could have known that Amy was babysitting upstairs, but burning her love rival to death  might be a slight overreaction?

Hutch v Hutch

There was some excellent brow furrowing demonstrated by both Hutchinsons. We recks Tony still has the edge though:

That said, as @Gemba247 pointed out, Dom has his own unique facial weirdness going on  in the form of one eyed blinking. Keep an eye out for it, etc.

sadface times

Even we were moved when Steph confessed to her fear of dying and lamented on the lack of achievements in her short life. Love, it could it worse, you could be Dom – or worse yet, Anita. Anyway, if all the boo hooing wasn’t signposting a spectacular (if fiery) hero’s death for her then we’ll eat our fake Brendan moustache.

So, Amber’s life literally hangs in the balance, Amy is still at death’s door in the living room and the list of  suspects is increasing by the hour. Cannot wait for Day 3 – BRING IT DA FUCK ON!